Richmond Central: 7.17-59
MHSOBFC Green: 10.14-74
In the history of human competition, there has always existed that bane of adversarial combat, the bogey side. Despite our best preparations, we confront that opposition whom we rationally know we are capable of beating, yet somehow fail to do so. The Harlem Globetrotters for the Washington Generals. The Roadrunner for the Coyote. Donald Trump for Hilary Clinton. The 24th McNugget in the pack for Ando on a Saturday night.
That team for M-H-S-Green-O-Thirds-B-Clubbies has been our nemesis Richmond Central. The team that sounds like a shopping centre have been that one opposition that we have come up against repeatedly, but up ‘til Saturday, we’d been unable to surmount them. But so it was on Saturday, that our Unicorns achieved the long overdue.
After a slow start, the Team-Formerly-Known-as-MHSOB-Clubbies got going like a beaten up 1985 Porsche 944 with a leaky power steering rack once the dew had been kicked off the early morning grass – there were a few rough moments as Richmond Central kicked ahead to a lead before finally the old trusty engine kicked into gear via a soccered Arran Bouten goal.
But if there was a vital cog in that engine, it was no doubt Ben Southam, aka the Running Man, aka Speedy Gonzalez, aka Mr-I’m-Too-Fast-For-Even-My-Hair. Ben was everywhere, man, he was in Wollongong, Geelong, Kurrajong, Mullumbimby, Mittagong, Molong, Grong Grong, Goondiwindi, Yarra Yarra , Bouindarra, Wallangarra, Turramurra, Boggabri, Gundagai, Narrabri, Tibooburra,Gulgong, Adelong, Billabong, Cabramatta, Parramatta, Wangaratta, Coolangatta, what’s it matter? Yeah he was everywhere. In a superb game, Ben did it all. He got back and supported the defence. He won the ball in the middle. He played a link man and he kicked 4 goals. Ben if you leave us we want to come too. We all have a mancrush on you that’s up there with our mancrush on Bout’s beard.
It would be justified to spend the whole report raving about Ben’s terrific efforts, however there are more things we must cover off like Chris Miller’s goalkicking. Now let us be clear – Chris was good. He was very good, as usual. But his kicking at goal wasn’t. The last person to have such an affinity with behinds was Sir Mix-a-lot. Arguably not even Pauline Hanson has erred to the right as much as Chris did on the weekend. There are speed addicts who have scored less points in their lifetime than Chris did in 2 hours. Less goals have been missed in Weight Watchers remedial classes. The bouncers at Revolver have been responsible for less early morning kickouts than Chris was on Saturday morning. Ignoring more available men standing around free than a hot girl at Boutique on a Saturday night, Chris managed to time after time miss out on shots like an anti-vaxxer’s child. It was brutal to watch. But we do still think he played very well.
Also good was welcome-return Tom Grigg. Yet to appear in the same team as his “brother” Stuart Grigg, we’re still not sure if there’s a Clark Kent – Superman thing going on, but we were pretty impressed with his efforts on the weekend. With Grigg, Southam and Morgan Cole getting on top in the second thanks to terrific ruckwork from Adam Ashton, it provided us with first use to allow vital run and carry from Josh Vellin and Albert Kuang across the midfield. With centre clearances breaking our way, the scores started to come, Linford Dean capitalising on the scoreboard via a magnificent snap alongside goals from Bouten and Southam.
With a five goal to one quarter, it was the High that took the lead into halftime, conscious still that there was work to be done in the second half. This time we were catching that roadrunner.
Pulling on our ACME rocket-powered rollerskates, we went back out for the third determined to not let the game go, and again the Southam and Bouten routin’ outin’ continued with assistance from big bodied efforts from Chris Birch around the packs to help break the Benny’s tag. Up by 4 goals at the final break, we weren’t going to let misplaced anvils, fake tunnels or unobserved cliffs let our prey get away from us.
But come at us in the last, Richmond did. Their brilliant onballer Jim McGuinness broke away from the pack with a burst of speed and a centre clearance that beautifully delivered the ball inside 50 onto the chest of Richmond’s full forward.
Unfortunately, Jim momentarily forgot that he actually plays for us, however we’ll forgive him his sin this once. He was, after all, pretty good for us for the rest of the day, but boy oh boy did a few blokes scratch their heads with that one. With Richmond giving our defenders plenty of extra work for the quarter, it was a fight to the finish, but with Southam again snapping truly, the result was sealed.
Finally we caught our road runner. Our nemesis was surmounted. Our bogey side vanquished. The Clubbywobbles buried. A famous victory all around.
Oh yeah and that last McNugget, I was fibbing a bit, it’s been surmounted by Ando many a time.
Goal Kickers: A. Bouten 5, B. Southam 4, L. Dean
Best Players: B. Southam, C. Miller, J. Vellin, A. Ashton, A. Bouten, T. Grigg